Thursday, February 11, 2010


My friend, T, is in a relationship with a guy who cannot commit. This is not the first time T has dated a 'commitment-phobe'. Her ex was one. They were together for 8 years. They bought a house together. They moved overseas together. And then...out of the blue, he got cold feet and voided the relationship. Just like that. The ex has since moved on and managed to very quickly commit to someone else. Was this a case of timing (i.e. the ex was not yet ready in his life to commit) or was T simply not the right one for the ex to commit to?

T is worried her current relationship is heading towards a similar trajectory. The problem is that L can't even commit to buying a house with T. This is setting off alarm bells. T wishes to confront him about it, to force his hand. She reckons that the pain of being rejected is better that continuing a relationship wrought with uncertainty. The fact is that T is a great catch. She is attractive, kind and intelligent. So what's wrong?

I wonder if guys are more afraid of commitment than women. Women certainly feel the tick of their biological clock a lot more strongly. I've also posted before about the so-called trading up hypothesis, a phenomenon recognised by evolutionary biologists whereby animals are expected to trade up when a better suitor comes along.

T spent 8 years of her life with a guy thinking that he felt the same towards her as she did towards him. That's a substantial investment. I don't think she is prepared to sit back and let history repeat itself.


Andrew said...

Is commitment to be judged by buying a house together? In my case yes, but not sure that it should be.

Adaptive Radiation said...

Ahh...I agree. But in this case, the guy specifically said that getting a house would raise a whole lot of issues on which he is not ready to deal with (and he wasn't talking about the mortgage).

Victor said...

Well, I think she is lucky he isn't rushing into a buying a house when he has doubts.

As usual it comes down to communication. Talking things through honestly.

As the book/film title says - maybe he's just not that into her.

Adaptive Radiation said...

Hey Victor, I reckon you're right. She needs to knowthough (as painful as the outcome might be).